It's Going Around.

I wasn't planning to post anything today, but reading Kerri's post yesterday, and Scott's post today struck a nerve.  Their words echoed what I've been feeling for a while now, and I started looking a little harder at my own situation.  I realized that I'm not doing anyone any favors - especially not myself - by not talking about what's going on.

I've got a touch of the Diabetes Burnout, folks.

It's horrible timing, too, for me to not be testing as often - as I mentioned yesterday, I'm not consistently feeling low symptoms the way I used to.  I'm still wearing Jim all the time, so I think that somewhere in my mind, I'm softening it for myself:  "It could be worse."  The problem is, it could also be a lot better. 

I talked about getting back on the horse (or unicorn, if you prefer) a couple of weeks ago, and I had hoped that writing a blog post about it would be the accountability nudge I needed to ramp things back up.

"Seriously, Kim, I'm right here. 
Ready when you are. 
Aaaaaanytime now."

But it didn't work.  I'm still not "feeling it" when it comes to the super-attentive self-care I once had.  I'm still doing the necessities - taking insulin (though not usually 15 minutes before eating anymore - something changed, and now doing that makes me go low before eating), taking pills, and doing a fasting BG check.

Past that?  It's a bit of a jumble.  It's "Jim is probably right".  It's "I'll test in 10 minutes", but I space it off, and 10 minutes become a few hours.  It's "This looks like 65 carbs.  Yep."  It's "I'd rather eat something right now to head off this low, than take 20 seconds to pull out my pump and decrease my basal rate".  There is slackery of epic proportions going on here, and when I start to think about where I was a few months ago, and where I am now, it's a bit of a downer.

When you then throw in my wish to start a family sometime in the near future, it transitions from downer to "What the heck are you doing?".  Except that my response to that right now is:  "Meh."

I haven't had any ODST requests thrown my way lately, and I'm embarrassed to say that I'm a little glad for that.  How do you comfort, guide, or otherwise advise someone else who is struggling, when you can't even get your own sheet together?  (And by "sheet", I mean a logbook, of course.  Wait, no I don't.)

Then last night, while at dinner with friends, I mentioned wanting to have a party (and cake, dammit) for my 25-year diabetes anniversary coming up in April - to which I was met with blank stares.  No one seemed to get why I'd want to celebrate that, much less with cake.  I don't expect everyone to understand this whole diabetes thing, but it wasn't the response I expected.  The whole thing left me feeling a bit down.

I've got an appointment with my P.A. tomorrow (who plays the part of endocrinologist for me), and I'm hoping she has some ideas - because I'm all out.