A need to force a smile. Joker's block. (That's like 'writer's block', but for humor, right?) A propensity to tear up at the small things (which, actually, is how I am all the time). More than one person asking lately, "Are you okay?", with me dismissing their concern.
I hesitate to call it depression - because I've felt that before, and what I'm feeling now both disseminates far less deeply and disappears far more quickly. I'm thankful for my friends who share their experiences with depression, because it causes me to be more self-aware of my own state of things, and it helps me feel more okay about seeking help if that should be the case for me. (And this time, it really is me, not you guys.) But no, I don't think it's that. Not this time.
It's a general sense of "feeling down", and it's looming like a small raincloud over my head these past few weeks. Like Eeyore, but less endearing.
I'm working my way through it, day by day. Whether my mood actually becomes better or just becomes more manageable - I'm not sure.
And why? It has been a number of small things; things that when they occur don't seem like much, but when I zoom out to the big picture, I go "Oh. That. That's a lot of things. Makes sense now." (Apparently my internal monologue is full of staccato sentences.)
The difference here, and most of the reason I'm fairly certain this is more "being down" and not "being depressed", is that I am more equipped to work on these things. And - this being the big part - I don't let my stubbornness get in the way of deciding to act on those. I can recognize myself feeling this way about a particular aspect of life, and within a relatively short amount of time, I can say to myself "Okay, I can either continue to be mopey, or I can actually do something to improve my situation." I can identify tangible things I can do to help myself - for example, frustration with a current job could translate to brushing up the resumé and looking at what else is out there - instead of allowing myself to aimlessly wallow.
The part I've come to now is more difficult - dealing with the things I cannot effectively change. In the past week I've experienced loss of two sorts: an old friend, my age who had also had T1, passed away (not sure if that played into what happened or not), and I've gone through the emotional roller coaster with family as my sister-in-law first learned she was pregnant, and subsequently found she had miscarried. There are other situations as well.
I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say, other than to say that I'm here, and I'm waddling through a bit of stuff at the moment. Writing this also helps me mark down when I've felt this way - blogs are often an online journal, after all.
I'm reminding myself that I'm not powerless to work on some of it, and perhaps I just need to be a bit more patient with other aspects. And the rest? I'm not sure, but I'm doing what I can to deal with it in a healthy way.
(Post title nod to Harvey Danger.)
And why? It has been a number of small things; things that when they occur don't seem like much, but when I zoom out to the big picture, I go "Oh. That. That's a lot of things. Makes sense now." (Apparently my internal monologue is full of staccato sentences.)
The difference here, and most of the reason I'm fairly certain this is more "being down" and not "being depressed", is that I am more equipped to work on these things. And - this being the big part - I don't let my stubbornness get in the way of deciding to act on those. I can recognize myself feeling this way about a particular aspect of life, and within a relatively short amount of time, I can say to myself "Okay, I can either continue to be mopey, or I can actually do something to improve my situation." I can identify tangible things I can do to help myself - for example, frustration with a current job could translate to brushing up the resumé and looking at what else is out there - instead of allowing myself to aimlessly wallow.
The part I've come to now is more difficult - dealing with the things I cannot effectively change. In the past week I've experienced loss of two sorts: an old friend, my age who had also had T1, passed away (not sure if that played into what happened or not), and I've gone through the emotional roller coaster with family as my sister-in-law first learned she was pregnant, and subsequently found she had miscarried. There are other situations as well.
I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say, other than to say that I'm here, and I'm waddling through a bit of stuff at the moment. Writing this also helps me mark down when I've felt this way - blogs are often an online journal, after all.
I'm reminding myself that I'm not powerless to work on some of it, and perhaps I just need to be a bit more patient with other aspects. And the rest? I'm not sure, but I'm doing what I can to deal with it in a healthy way.
(Post title nod to Harvey Danger.)
No comments:
Post a Comment