Letting The Dust Settle.

I once heard someone note that when you have a baby, "your life just kind of explodes". I'd like to add to that thought and remark that when you have a baby AND you have diabetes, your life just kind of explodes but then all of those fragments proceed to land on their self-destruct buttons. Life post-baby seems to resemble some sort of Michael Bay-directed cinematic adventure (with the addition of an adorable infant).

The total takeover of mind, energy and heart that a child brings has been... intense. But after a few months, I'm feeling that we're adjusting okay to this new version of normal. Our mornings look a little different, and not just because we're up waaaay earlier now - there exists a whole new set of activities that run in tandem with ours in order to get another human ready for the day. But I'm finding that I don't even mind all that, because that first grin of the morning - the one where the dimple in her right cheek surfaces; where her eyes widen, then light up with recognition when we lock stares; where she kicks her legs jubilantly and, with clenched fists, swings her chubby arms around - sets the tone for everything else. No matter what else may happen throughout the day, this daily treat remains the highlight. The joy in that moment fills up my heart, and I continue to be astounded at how this perfect little person could have been made by me.

Sorry, I'm baby gushing. I do that now.

While I may be adjusting to the shift in schedules and priorities, my relationship with my health has become more tumultuous. Diabetes is running alongside me like the child, arms flailing with panic, whose school bus drove right by them but never slowed down: "Hey! HEY!!! Stop the bus! You forgot me!!" I see you, diabetes - I just don't have the time to come to a complete stop for you. Don't throw yourself in front of me, okay? And no angry calls from your parents.

Where I once might have seen patterns and predictability, I now just see a jumbled mess... but maybe it's not as bad as I think it is, because I'm comparing it to the super-intensive routine I had during pregnancy. I saw my endocrinologist a few weeks back and after studying my CGM and insulin pump downloads for a bit, the corners of her mouth began to turn up.

"You know...." she paused, shuffling papers twice, and then three times, looking back to double (and triple) check herself, still smirking. "I'm actually really happy with where you're at." The tone of her voice indicated that even she couldn't believe she was saying that.

Pause. "I'm sorry... you're what?"

Laughter. "I mean, with most new moms, the baby comes and diabetes goes out the window. But I can see that you're still testing. And you're bolusing! I mean you're not entering carbs most of the time, but you're remembering to take insulin... at all. I can be happy with that if you are."

Well, that was true. And when we checked my A1C, she and I were both pleasantly surprised when I clocked in at 6.5.

"If you're okay with it, I really don't think we should make any changes yet. Let's let the dust settle a bit more before we start changing things - you already have enough to adjust to right now."

I'm okay with it.

I think.